“An intern at his first day on the job.
His two new bosses.
A mold operator. A forklift operator.
And the disgruntled coworker who brought a .40-caliber handgun to work the day he was fired — a weapon that should’ve been seized years ago due to his criminal past, police say.
Those were the employees left dead in a terrifying shooting spree Friday afternoon at the Henry Pratt Company in Aurora, during a rampage that put a national spotlight on the shocked western suburb.”
The Chicago Sun Times wrote it better than I could hope to. by the time this email floats into your inbox, the aurora factory shooting might be considered “old news”, but I want to take another moment to reflect on this tragedy.
you might recognize that name—she’s the Aurora police chief who has been conducting the press conferences about the shooting.
I love to use this newsletter to shine the spotlight on women doing incredible things, especially in fields that are typically dominated by men. Kristen Ziman absolutely deserves every shoutout she can get. she became an aurora police cadet at 17 while getting her bachelor’s at Aurora University, and eventually received her master’s at Boston University. she was the first female lieutenant in her department, a position she began striving for after a male superior told her it would never happen.
at just 42 years old (!!) she was selected to be chief in 2016. 3 years later, she’s on televisions worldwide, handling a tragedy with outstanding poise, grace, dignity, and respect. every press conference is a testament to her dedication to her city and to her officers. I love a well-spoken woman in power, DAMN!
now for an obviously lighter topic:
I’m writing this very paragraph while working the weekend morning shift at WGN, which has only 2 hours of news compared to the usual 6. lucky for this newsletter, that means I have truly unprecedented amounts of free time. it also means that my boredom has left me feeling EXTREMELY hungry, inspiring me to discuss my latest tastebud transformation. overnight, I went from absolutely loathing yogurt to constantly craving it. the thought of it used to make me gag, but at this point i would be willing to straight up inject it into my bloodstream. (it is worth noting that I made the lofty goal of cutting out dessert in 2019, so naturally I have replaced ice cream with sweet yogurt mixed with various dessert-like crumbles, but WHATEVER) back to my main point:
these little bitches are ADDICTIVE. my favorite is s’mores :)))) and they’re only 99 cents!! and they fill a gaping void in my life for at least 90 seconds!!
throwback onion article that took me RIGHT back to 5th grade:
you can read the rest of it here to get inside the mind of 12 year old homesick lily zacharias. god bless my mother for picking me up from countless slumber parties when I deemed the couch far too lumpy to accommodate my sleeping needs. or when a girl pulled out a very much non-alcoholic bottle of juice that I was terrified would get me drunk. or when I just wanted to be watch The Nanny with my cat.
meghan trainor album press release that is….a lot
someone needs to give this publicist a cold shower:
NO ACTUALLY I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT ANY OF THAT THANK YOU
THIS train is leaving and getting as far away from the memory of this press release as possible. choo choo betch!
when you’re too inventive for your own good:
meet collin howard, the UC-Santa Cruz freshman who took the “you GOTTA learn how to code to succeed in your career these days” advice a bit too far. this dude designed a game called Banana Plug—a play on words of UCSC’s mascot, the Banana Slug—as a front to sell drugs.
there’s a LOT to unpack here.
number one: your mascot is a fckn banana slug ???? imagine being at a football game and THIS is what you’re cheering for:
and you KNOW all the weird guys in your dorm are wearing this:
in an effort to uphold the journalistic integrity of this publication, I did research the origins of the banana slug mascot. I had hoped to find out that the slug is native to santa cruz, as that would lend some sort of legitimacy to the concept. well, the little slugs are indeed quite common around campus, and apparently they are known to snack on psychedelic mushrooms. so, in 1986 when the school was getting heavy into NCAA athletics, the university president held a vote to officially appoint “The Sea Lion” as the mascot. but….nah. long story short, a bunch of (I presume, stoned) students voted for sammy the slug instead. which now that I’ve typed this story out, i’m kind of obsessed with him
SO ANYWAY BACK TO THE DRUGS
collin howard was arrested on friday because the smart-but-stupid dude accidentally sold drugs to an undercover cop. the app wasn’t taken off the app store until wednesday, so a few lucky people still got to experience it pre-mortem. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume you couldn’t actually still order any drugs….just play this very, uh, basic game:
a lot of people are criticizing Apple for letting a drug front get through their app store vetting process. like, yeah, drugs are bad, but are we going to talk about how Apple clearly has no standards for quality of games?? if I were Apple, I would never have let this game get through based solely on how freaking BORING it looks. if you’re going to sell molly through an iphone game, at least make look psychedelic!!
good ish I’ve watched/listened to/read lately:
I am submitting this as my official apology for not talking about that SOB walmart yodel kid last week:
valentine’s day present from my mom that melted my icy heart:
I’ve wanted one of these since I was in high school, so it is natural that my mom and I didn’t get around to it until I’m two years out of college. but it is so perfect and my mom worked hands on with the wonderful Sandy Crowe to make sure it was perfect. it also features the best graphic I’ve ever designed:
true crime drama to look forward to:
ted bundy is OUT, gypsy rose is IN!!! hulu is releasing an anthology series of the gypsy rose/dee dee blanchard case that put good ol’ springfield, MO on the true crime map in 2015. you might have seen the HBO documentary Mommy Dead and Dearest (available free with spanish subtitles here lol). hulu’s film iteration, The Act premieres on march 22nd.
tweet of the week:
not only is this a great joke, but did u spot that prof pic????
that’s right, the iconic semi-nude kelsey grammer pasta photo has now been burned into YOUR retinas too!!!! *clutches wholesome frasier picture close to heart in desperate attempt to remember that kelsey grammer is not actually frasier crane and actually is quite a shitty person*
finally, I’d like to introduce a new segment on this newsletter, temporarily called…..
after 6 months of giving unsolicited opinions, I’m going to actually solicit your very own anonymous relationship drama, workplace drama, family drama, pet drama, restaurant that stopped selling your favorite truffle tots drama, etc. etc. I’ll choose a couple a week and give you some thoughtz n advice. use the form below to submit completely anonymously. even if you think it’s a dumb problem, I can fabricate drama out of *literally* anything!!!
alright, it’s already been almost a full day since I told instagram I would be sending this out, so I’ll end it with a thought that has been in the back of my mind for awhile, but recently surfaced when talking to one of my favorite younger Thetas. a lot of people reading this are still in school—many are seniors—and I know that the months leading up to graduation release unprecedented amounts of stress. there is a social media-fueled notion that the job you get directly after graduation must be the most perfect wonderful amazing opportunity that you’re so grateful for and never dreamed could have happened to you!!! I genuinely thought that once I got my “dream job” and made that glorious facebook announcement post, I would miraculously be happy and content and fulfilled. it’s a lie that we tell ourselves over and over. I put so much pressure on getting that job that, when I was rejected, the weight of my failure felt 10 times heavier than it should have.
here’s the reality: you’re probably not going to get your dream job right now. and honestly, you shouldn’t want to. your dream job shouldn’t be something that you can land when you’re 23. set your sights on that dream, keep it in your long-term vision, but know that this first post-grad job is merely a stepping stone to a much grander plan. it took me a good year to realize that no one actually gives a shit if you have a great job or not after you graduate. i can’t remember what most of the people I graduated with are doing right now, even though I liked their announcement post and commented a half-hearted, auto-suggested “congratulations!” on their LinkedIn update.
I sold jewelry after I graduated because I had nothing lined up, and I truly loathed myself for a good 6 months. I was ashamed that my 4 years at ~the best journalism school in the country~ had led to nothing but a vast knowledge of which overpriced necklaces would turn your neck green. looking back, I would never, ever trade my year at Nordstrom for anything in the world. in the midst of my angsty quarter-life crisis, I was cared for and comforted by 10 wonderful coworkers who held my hand behind jewelry counters while I teared up about my mom’s diagnosis, my relationship struggles, my heartbreak, and my endless feeling of loss. I was lifted up by women who believed in me and pushed me to chase after what I love. they made me feel special, and helped reestablish self-worth that had been crushed by comparing myself to my peers. and, materialistically, my jewelry drawer is lit now!!!
the point of all of this is…it’s ok if things steer off course for a little while. it’s ok if you don’t have a cool thing to put on facebook. it’s ok if you don’t even know what you want to do with your life. tell your friends how you’re feeling about all this shit, and you’ll probably find they’re feeling it too. and, if you ARE still in college, go enjoy those drink specials while they last. drink a trops in my honor (half silver bullet). 🖤
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