good morning bitches // 6.18.19

I am coming in HOT HOT HOT this monday morning with a full-fledged edition of good morning bitches. you want media reviews? you want links to quality investigative journalism? you want the latest on that SOB walmart yodel kid? you want a roundup of the strange stuff I find on the internet? you want budget beauty recommendations for all genders? bitch get IN here!!!

9 perfect strangers* check into a wellness retreat run by a former corporate world bigwig who had a near death experience and wants to impose her priceless wisdom on wealthy stressed australians. alright, I’m on board! here’s the deal about this one: by the time I was 5 chapters in, I was already planning my glowing review to write in GMB. and then, by the end, I was……disappointed. I would still absolutely suggest it—especially the audiobook because, hello, australian accents—but I went into it thinking it was going to be a thriller, and it ended up being more of an introspective character development-focused novel. which is great and all, but I just like a little fictional murder here and there ya feel?

podcast that made me do a thorough check of my doors and windows:

the man in the window is of course the golden state killer aka the east area rapist aka the original night stalker aka a half dozen other nicknames. I always knew this dude (Joseph D’Angelo) was horrid, but the way his stories are told from the victims’ interviews is absolutely downright terrifying. I listen to true crime podcasts all the time, and this one sent chills down my spine while I drove at night. BUT it’s a delightful piece of journalism and is beautifully produced. the LA time kills the longform/podcast game.

well now that we’re on the subject of crime:

as a devoted fan of weird news and true crime, I have read more stories than I can count about men in florida doing weird shit. after years of “florida man” stories spreading like wildfire across social media, people have naturally come to assume that people in florida are simply downright insane. and while that might be true (orlando humidity would absolutely drive me to the brink of insanity), the “florida man” phenomenon is much more a result of the state’s Sunshine Law, which grants journalists FAR more access to police reports than in other states. the law is great in theory—granting the public more access to information is always a good idea—but in our world of clickbait articles, its largely led to the exploitation of people suffering from drug addiction, mental illness, and homelessness. this article by the columbia journalism review examines the consequences of “true crime” news as entertainment:

niche twitter account of the week:

a small but mighty curation of behind the scenes moments from 2020 election campaigning. the account recently picked up some steam for posting this absolutely hysterical video of senator kirsten gillibrand (D-NY) attempting to be woke during pride month:

Kirsten Gillibrand relaxes after working a gay bar in Iowa pic.twitter.com/JYiU3c0Oc9

— 2020 behind the scenes (@Behind2020) June 8, 2019

also is anyone else getting serious holly vibes from her?

niche facebook group of the week:

this title is pretty self explanatory. this group is a couple hundred thousand people strong, and manages to unearth everything from rare paintings to dressers lined with decoupaged photos of chris pine to vintage sex toys, but THIS is one of my favorites:

oh, and also THIS:

ok actually I have one more niche fb group of the week:

you might recall that my cat went semi viral after his fame in the fat-cat-praising group “THIS CAT IS C H O N K Y”. well, several spinoff groups have been created to honor cats that are S L O N K Y (skinny), N A K E Y (hairless), P O N K Y (tiny fluffy cuties)… but now, I am an official member of the ultimate spinoff group:

yes it is literally just photos of cats in cowboy hats

speaking of honky tonky…

that SOB walmart yodel kid is back with an annoyingly catchy new single with a music video that is every level of cringe imaginable.

imagine you’re a young actress, desperate for your first gig, and when your agent calls with you big break…. it’s to be mason ramsey’s way-too-old-for-him love interest:

clearly mason has some confidence though, as he had no problem with his gal having a good four inches on him:

drugstore beauty recs:

I’m not sure if it’s my laziness of not wanting to drive half an hour to nordstrom or my valiant attempts to be frugal, but I have been ALL about finding drugstore replacements for my honestly embarrassingly expensive skincare routine. last week I praised the garnier moisturizer, but I wanted to give this next one an extra week of test runs before I could fully sing its praises…

I am an eye cream junkie, and this 13 dollar product absolutely meets my incredibly high standards. It is VERY moisturizing, so if you use it in the morning make sure to give yourself several minutes before applying makeup.

also PSA to the like 4 men who read this…. take care of your face. moisturize. use eye cream. please. your present and future romantic partners will thank you, especially when you’re 60 with the eyes of a 35 year old.

there is no bigger ripoff in this world than my former favorite razor, the Venus Embrace. 14 bucks for one razor, $25 for a 5 cartridge pack!!! but it was all I ever knew, so I never strayed… until I happened upon a delightfully designed side aisle display at target for flamingo. and baby i am NEVER going back!!! i’m talking, the smoothest shave i’ve ever had. i’m talking, the nicest smelling shave gel in the world. I’M TALKING — 6 BUCKS FOR 4 CARTRIDGES!!!! also if you’re a man who absolutely must have a traditionally ~masculine~ looking razor, flamingo is made by Harry’s, so you can have your damned navy blue and army green colors with the same quality blade.

my latest internet venture…

it is with a heavy heart that I announce I will now be devoting some of my time previously reserved for GMB to a new passion project: highlighting the absolute atrocities inside the WGN vending machine.

so yeah, to all you advertising professionals out there, complaining about your job while surrounded by bevi machines and free ice cream and beer kegs and margarita thursdays….LOOK AT THIS INSTAGRAM AND BE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR OFFICE.

love u anyway WGN <3

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wellp, I think that’s all I’ve got for ya this time around. It’s been one helluva week/weekend, as my mom was admitted to a hospice care center for a few days for pain management. (yes, I brought barbara to see her)

she is back home now, but every day seems to bring some sort of complication (not even strictly medical…I’m looking at you, raw sewage leaking in my basement). as usual, I am grateful for all you lovely people who read this, and who don’t mind when I, without fail, forget to respond to your texts. one day, in my paradise future when I have no stress, I promise I will be the most prolific texter of them all!!!

say no to tanning beds and wear sunscreen,

xo

lily

good morning bitches // 6.8.2019

it has been a hot minute, hasn't it friends? 

this newsletter started as a way for me to pass the time during my overnight shift as an intern, but it turns out there is far less time that needs passing when you're an actual employee. now you might be thinking "lily, aren't you committed enough to this newsletter to work on it during your spare time at home?" and while I would love to say "YES!" and spend my days lounging comfortably amidst my anthropologie bedspread sipping herba matcha tea, wearing a moisturizing sheet mask, typing endlessly about missouri politics and that SOB walmart yodel kid... the reality is, well, frankly, my mom has cancer and I don't have much free time. 

anyway, now that that's out of the way!! 

the reason I come to you today is that I arrived at work at 1am Thursday only to find that we didn’t have a 4am show day because we are streaming D Day coverage live from France instead. while I am tempted to endlessly hate-read buzzfeed articles about james charles drama, I decided to be somewhat productive and attempt to cram in all everything that I've wanted to say during my 4 month (!!!) hiatus. 

first things first: television, obviously 

sometimes it truly is a blessing that you don't discover a show until it has just aired its series finale, as was the case with Catastrophe (Amazon Prime).

I have never fallen for a show so obsessively. the combination of rob delaney's stumbling blind devotion, sharon horgan's irish accent, and good old fashioned dry british humor makes this an absolute 12/10 show that you MUST binge immediately. four seasons of absolute perfection that I wish I could watch over and over and over 

wait, can I just take a moment to say I am so happy that we don't have to hear about *whispers* game of thrones all the fckn time anymore? 

books books books books

if you hear someone utter the words "the proposal" in a conversation about books, I need you to RUN and run FAST.

I picked The Proposal because it was featured on reese witherspoon's book club, and great, now I no longer trust my heroes. between the lazy dialogue, predictable storyline from *literally* chapter one, journalism tropes, and token lesbian bff character, this novel is just one poorly-written cliche after the next. the only redeemable quality is the main character being a black woman, which is rarely found in mainstream romance novels. even as a beach read (which I am the first to admit I enjoy) this book still falls so, so flat. I am flabbergasted at the utter divide between people who LOVE it and people who HATE it...and there seems to be an equal number of each. even mf ROXANE GAY liked it!!!! which makes me question every opinion I've ever had!!!! 

one word: perfection. I have never been so engrossed in an audiobook. it got to the point that I was looking forward to traffic, just so I would have more time with this piece of brilliance. I must give credit to Sarah Gillespie for suggesting it, as it probably isn't a book I would have picked up on my own. it's got everything: old hollywood debauchery, world travel, asshole husbands, secret lovers, hookups in the academy awards bathroom, YOU NAME IT!!! if you've been on the fence about getting into audiobooks, this is a great one to start with. the performance was phenomenal. 

somewhere in between a podcast and an audiobook you find….

audible originals! I’m not saying this is a life-changing piece of literature, but it is definitely an entertaining 100 minutes. it’s performed as a play, with several actors playing the characters instead of one narrator reading the text. it’s fun. it’s a thriller. it’s a solid 3/5 stars.

tweet that personally attacked me:

tweet that made 16 year old me die inside and 24 year old me so blissfully entertained:

this is a NIGHTMARE and a DREAM all in one

affordable skincare recco of the week:

I will drop 40 bucks on skincare at the drop of a hat, but this $8 moisturizer is Seriously The Best. I am a changed woman, and Fresh is officially 40 dollars poorer every 3 months.

***OBLIGATORY PSA TO WEAR SUNSCREEN ALL SUMMER AND FALL AND WINTER AND SPRING***

I have yet to throw my support behind one democratic presidential candidate, and I firmly believe the hype around Biden is pretty much peak white feminism, but dammit how can you not love this:

onion article of the week, which will effortlessly lead me into my favorite GMB segment….

….HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE WEDDING SHAMING FACEBOOK GROUP:

ah, the classic “bride dragging groom down the aisle” cake, complete with toolboxes, a strict frosting ration, and one lone tropical flower. I mean, I’d still eat it.

see: Liking Beer Is Not A Personality (note for my Aunt Vicki who is reading this….. this rule does not apply to Johnny Mac <3 )

this one goes out specifically to my readers who work/have worked at Barkley…..and I have to say, I don’t hate this “cake” !!! look, if we’ve decided as a society that donut displays are acceptable at weddings, then clearly Blizzards should be fair game too.

alright, brace yourselves for this next one……

you know, there are just some things that don’t need to be said!!!! especially when they concern dating your cousin!!!

speaking of dating your cousin:

in typical lily fashion, I have started watching a critically acclaimed tv show nearly a decade after it first aired,. and in searching for this photo, I just spoiled Downton Abbey for myself on google images. not that I need to tell anyone at this point, but this is a Very Good Show that you should get into over at ol’ amazon prime. (I wasn’t going to mention that I’m watching this just because frankly I’m embarrassed at jumping on the bandwagon so late, but the dating your cousin lead-in just worked too perfectly)

update on that SOB walmart yodel kid:

if there’s one lasting effect of this newsletter, it is establishing my legacy as the Woman Who Talks Way Too Much About The Walmart Yodel Kid. any time mason ramsey makes the news, i am without a doubt the first person to hear about it, and always from a GMB reader. so *huge sigh* here are some of the highlights I’ve been sent over the last few months:

• he’s playing the blue note in columbia on october 18th

• he sang the national anthem at a nebraska game sarah gillespie attended

• he crowdsurfed on an inflatable horse

he is much less active on social media these days (hasn’t tweeted since may 3rd, if you’re wondering) which I can only assume is because can’t handle the intense hate-love-cyber-bullying energy he gets from me whenever I get around to writing this letter.

wait, how have I never noticed this is the title of one of his songs???? UGH with every well-placed pun he makes it harder and harder for me to despise him. also did I just out myself for listening to him on spotify???? ughhhhhhhhhh

I genuinely don’t know if AJR is a cheesy band to listen to, but I am very into this song recently:

oh, I started a playlist awhile back to compile the songs that I suggest on here, so if you have a gaping hole in your life for songs that are already pretty much played to death mixed with michael buble spotify sessions and 80s reggae, here ya go

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this is typically the point in writing this newsletter that I scan through my phone’s camera roll to find something vaguely interesting to put in here, but god I’m living a mundane life these days. oh well. it’s also the point where I might draw attention to a serious issue, but between the serial killer in chicago, trump’s economic warfare tariff nonsense, the blatant stripping of reproductive rights, and the homophobic attack in London, I am…tired. hey, at least I included hyperlinks for your reading pleasure!

wellp, I guess that’s it my friends! I had hoped to get this done yesterday, but hopefully your weekend morning was brightened a little. if all this newsletter does is provide even the slightest chuckle, I’m a happy woman. I would also be happy if you boosted my self esteem by leaving a comment, but it’s not like I’m going to blatantly ASK for you to do that!!!

alright see ya l8r friends — take a nap, wear sunscreen, and tell your mom to get a colonoscopy.

xo,

lily

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